Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
