I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
