we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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