at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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