you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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