Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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