apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
