Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
