Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
