Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
