I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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