I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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