I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
