and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
