There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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