3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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