My first STD was from a foam party
there's paper in my vomit.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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