at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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