How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
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you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
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I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Never underestimate the power of titties
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