3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
