WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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