Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Watching her eat just hurts me
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
