Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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