I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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