Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
