My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
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only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
that may or may not have been my penis.
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