only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
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What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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