my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
