So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
