I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
