alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
