Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
