Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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