Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
