I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
