I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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