You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
