I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
