I'm sorry my penis didn't work
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
