I accidentally burped into my bong.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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