I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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