God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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