im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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