Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.