I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
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i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
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You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon