I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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