Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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