I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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