ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
