i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
