I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
