Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
