Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
