If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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